Live on radio with America's most excentric host (David Lee Roth was on the show exactly 10 years minus one day earlier), Edward Van Halen spoke out about various subjects. He spoke about cancer, Wolfgang playing bass, David Lee Roth and Van Halen, Sammy and Mike touring together, the movie in which he collaborated with a couple of songs, his new girlfriend...

Howard Stern: [regarding Edward's health conditions]
Edward Van Halen: I cured my cancer in a way that’s not exactly legal in this country. I’d tell you, but I don’t want to go to jail. When you drink your damn draino it just holds it at bay. It comes back. Cancer is like a cockroach. It just comes back stronger. I’m tearing apart the immune system of the cockroach and seeing how it ticks. I’ve opened up my own pathology center. Some of us open tequila bars in Mexico, I’m curing cancer. They cut a healthy piece of my tongue off and grew healthy cells outside of my body and tested them. I’m missing a third of my tongue. They butchered me. I didn’t quit smoking after I got tongue cancer cause smoking didn’t cause it.

HS: Diamond David Lee Roth never wanted piano in Van Halen.
EVH: You mean cubic zirconia?

HS: You’re never going to do a reunion with him, are you?
EVH: Ummm... you know, I’m open to anything.

HS: Really? He makes it seem like you are never open...
EVH: In 2000 Alex and I tried to pull something together with him.

HS: What happened? You couldn’t stand being around him?
EVH: No, the guys’s a loose cannon - but I can deal with loose cannons.

Robin Quivers [Howard's assistant]: Everyone says you’re the problem.
EVH: Yeah, because I don’t respond or talk about this stuff.

HS: [regarding Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony touring outside Van Halen]
EVH: Michael Sobolewski is out touring with ‘the little red rocker’... I mean the little red worm. I got no problem with these guys, but they’re billing themselves as "The Other Half" of Van Halen. My brother is the other half of Van Halen. They’re out there selling hot sauce and tequila and playing all my songs. It doesn’t bother me... it just makes them a cover band.

HS: [regarding Sacred Sin, the adult/porno movie]
EVH: I don’t call it porn. I call it sex. It’s like Braveheart with a cum shot. Everyone’s giving me their dweeb opinion about this - but without sex you wouldn’t be here to give me your dweeb opinion.

HS: [regarding Edward's girlfriend]
EVH: I have a girlfriend. Her name’s Janie. She’s a press agent…You’re damn right she’s super hot. We met at a press conference. We’ve been together two months.

HS: [regarding his son Wolfgang joining Van Halen]
EVH: My son Wolfgang plays drums, guitars and bass. This kid is fucking dangerous. If I excel at the speed of sound, he excels at the speed of light. My brother goes, ‘This is the first time I’ve had bass in my headphones.’ He’s only fifteen years old and he’s getting laid. He’s spanking it too.

HS: How do you know that?
EVH: When you spend 45 minutes in the bathroom you’re not taking a shower... Valerie and I have joint custody of Wolfgang. For the last couple of weeks Alex, he and I have been jamming together.

HS: You wouldn’t go back on the road with Hagar, would you?
EVH: I’m pretty much open to anything. What’s going to happen is that there’s a new member of Van Halen, and that is my son.

HS: I’m hearing your son is in and Michael Anthony is out.
EVH: My son is in and Sobolewski can do whatever he wants. The name Van Halen, the family legacy, is going to go on long after I’m gone. This kid is just a natural. I’m going to have him play on a solo record, and it’s going to be out - he and I.

Report by Andy Greene, adapted.
© 2006 Rolling Stone.